Bloody Friends. And Boys. And Cold.

I just feel
So down.
Especially today.

I hate
My life.
It fucking sucks.

My friend,
Was all like,
"I don't want so-and-so to know."

So you know what she does.
Naturally.
She tells so-and-so.

Who will almost definitely
Tell the other girl
That she didn't want to know.

Cause that's just what so-and-so does.
She's a gossip.
And a bit of a bitch.

My other friend
Found out the other day
About how I took those tablets that time.

I wish I hadn't told her.
I feel like I have nothing
To myself anymore. Almost.

That friend
Told me a secret.
Which changes lots.

Easily the rest of her life.
Possibly the rest of mine.
And others'. But I hope not mine.

And he doesn't like me.
Obviously.
Mum warned me the other night.

"Be aware, I've heard
He's a bit of a playa.
I don't want you to get hurt."

Fuck that.
It's too late to tell me now, mum.
Though I knew that already.

So I just say,
"Why are you telling me?
We are just friends."

Ha. As fucking if.
Lies. I tell lots.
Not that anyone realises.

My little secrets.
Oh well.
Everyone has them.

And to top it all off,
It's fucking freezing today.
It was so hot last week.

It's only the fucking
First day of autumn.
And I wish I wore my scarf.

Fuck this.
At least I'm going to sport tonight.
It saves what little sanity I still have.

Love from, Me.
xx

Bitch, Essay, and Fifteen Days. Argh.

Bitch.
My mum,
That is.

Won't take me driving
Cause I was in bed
Five minutes after requested.

And you know what?
My fucking sister gets
No punishment for the same thing.

I hate this.
Seriously.
She laughs in my face.

Whinging at me.
Telling me
What she 'wants' me to do.

I tell her
That I
'Want' to go driving.

Fuck.
Nothing's going my way.
At all.

I have a fucking essay
Due tomorrow.
Have written one paragraph.

The introduction.
Did that five minutes ago.
It's gonna be a long night.

Want to punch something.
A wall would be nice.
But mum'd yell at me. Again.

And to top things off:
I didn't see him last night.
Fifteen fucking days, now.

He hardly talked to me
On MSN last night, either.
Watching a movie, apparently.

I hate my life.
It's fucked up
And I want to get rid of it.

No I don't.
I don't want to die.
I just want a break.

A break with just
Me and him.
I don't really want to go for good.

Not right now,
Anyway.
One reason.

If I do,
It'll be permanent.
I'm not good with permanent.

And he
Won't be with me.
But that's about it.

Love from, Me.
xx

Now I Have Nothing, Cause It's All Over.

He doesn't like me.
What I see
Is good as proof.

His new MSN name.
Of course, it couldn't possibly
Refer to me.

He never called me that.
He hasn't seen me
In almost two weeks.

Fuck,
It hurts.
Like. Hell.

But he said that
He did!
I guess things change

In the few weeks
Since he said that
To me.

I'm wasting
My fucking time
Wanting him.

Cause
I'm never
Gonna get him.

I never get anything
I want.
Never have.

I go further than
I ever have, with any
Other boy, with him.

Which isn't very far,
Admittedly.
But it means something.

I don't think
He gets that, though.
But why would he?

But all that effort,
All the fun times,
Were in vain.

It's not like they
Ever led to anything
Past what they were.

Holding hands at the movies.
Webcamming over MSN.
Pictures over text messages.

My mum would
Kill me, if she knew
Of those pictures.

But it's over now.
I'm left sad, depressed,
Dead.

I want those times back
So badly. So, so badly.
But they're out of my reach.

Love from, Me.
xx

He is over me. I can tell. :'-(

You know what I think?
I think
He doesn't really like me anymore.

Not like
He used to.
Those moments are gone.

And I hate that.
Cause for that time,
I was happy.

Not now.
Not anymore.
Not now those times are gone.

He told me he liked me.
Then after that,
He never acted like it.

Fuck.
Boys are
Frickin complicated.

What was he thinking?
What is he thinking?
I have no fucking idea.

And it hurts.
I want those times back
So badly.

I miss him.
Seeing him once a week
Is so not enough.

I don't want
To get used to the fact
That this might be the end.

I won't be able to cope.
I'm not coping now.
I feel fucking awful.

And to top things off,
I think he's ignoring me on MSN.
Fuck.

I tried to talk to him twice
The other night.
No reply.

It makes me angry.
Then upset.
Then rejected.

He doesn't want me.
I bet it's my fault.
But what did I do?

Was I too clingy?
Always wanting to talk on MSN?
I tried not to be.

What did I do
To make him change his mind
About me?

I don't know.
Fuck this. Boys' minds
Work funny.

Love from, Me.
xx

All I Want Is Red. Red, Red, Red.

My best friend
Fucking lied to me.
To help me, apparently.

So I wouldn't worry.
I don't care.
She still lied.

It makes me angry.
But I can't
Stay angry at her.

I sympathise.
Empathise, actually.
Cause I know it all too well.

I still hate it all.
Smuggle scissors into the bathroom
After my shower, attempts.

Doesn't work.
Only leave red marks.
Next to no fucking blood.

It makes me angrier.
I want to see
The red go down my arm.

Plan for next time:
I'll steal a knife.
From the kitchen.

Those ones are sharp.
Mum said so.
She said don't use them.

Fuck that.
They might actually do their job.
Cut.

Their fucking blades
Might work on my skin.
To split it.

Then I'll see the red
I want to see.
It would make me feel better.

I'm sick, I know.
I'm fucking messed up.
Well tell me something I don't know.

But I want it
So badly.
So, so badly.

To hurt
Injure
Fucking wreck myself.

But I can't.
Mum would notice.
My best friend would notice.

Back to the doctor's.
Back to the psychologist's.
I don't want to go there.

So I have
To be careful.
Hide it.

Love from, Me.
xx

Don't Waste Your Time Lecturing Me.

So Dad comes in.
Talks about me
And my sister.


Go away, Dad.
You have
No. Fucking. Idea.


Don't bother telling me
About boys and their testosterone levels
And girls and their estrogen levels.


I'm not interested.
You were a boy.
You don't know.


Don't pretend to.
And don't think you do.
Cause you don't.


I don't want to hear this.
What I haven't already learnt,
I'm not interested in hearing.


You think you know me
So fucking well.
You don't. No one does.


You have no idea
What it's like to be me.
You can't imagine.


Here's the truth then:
I don't know where I stand
With my favourite guy in the world.


It hurts like fucking mad
To see and hear
The things he says to other girls.


I am depressed.
It's not fucking
'Chemical Imbalances'.


Not like you think.
I need help.
And not from you.


From a bloody shrink.
But you don't know.
Because you don't know me at all.


I am always angry.
It explodes in me
And I have to hit things.


My sister is a bitch.
But no one seems to realise.
She is sweet to them.


I am left out
Cause I'm invisible.
Must be boring, too.

I feel horrible.
My own mother titles me Bully.
That makes me fucking hate myself.

So there you go.
A slice of my life.
No all of it. But some.

Don't ask me how I survive.
Cause I don't fucking know.
On bitterness and anger, perhaps.

Love from, Me.
xx

My Sister is a Bitch.

My bloody sister.
Getting on my nerves.
As usual.

So I hit her
A couple of times.
Not even any bruises.

Attention-seeking
Bitch.
She is.

Whinging
And complaining
And bitching

To anyone
Who will listen
To her.

Always about me.
They talk
As though I'm not there.

I'm only in the
Other room.
I can hear.

Bitch.
Shut the fuck up
And get a life.

You only want
People to sympathise for you
And hate me.

Well you got it.
Now they do.
I'm sure.

And that fucking hurts.
It's not nice
To feel like you're hated.

You have no bloody idea
At what
Goes on with me.

There's a lot more to me
Than just yelling
And sometimes violent outbursts.

I hate everything.
But I don't want to hate him.
He unknowingly hurts me.

None of you
Know that,
Either.

You think
You can just take everything
At face value.

Well here's news:
You can't.
Not with me.

There's so much more
Than what I let you see.
But you don't care.

Bitch.
Continue fucking talking.
I hate every fucking thing, anyway.

Love from, Me.
xx

I Want to Punch a Hole in the Wall.

I'm angry.
At mum, him,
Myself.

Checked his Facebook.
He's been talking
To her.

In the kind of way
I'd want him
To talk to me.

God, it hurts.
He SAYS he likes me.
I want it to be true.

He's done
With school.
Hardly see him.

Mum is a pain.
Can't make up her bloody mind
On small decisions.

I go to my room.
I cry.
I punch my door.

Mum comes up
Lets herself in
Despite my protests.

She talks to me.
I pretend
It's all about our argument.

Well, it's not like
I can tell her
What's really going on.

She wants me
To punch a pillow in future.
No point in that, is there?

Pillows don't hurt.
Pillows don't crash.
Pillows are soft. No good.

Hate this.
Hide my nail scissors
As mum walks in.

Stab my pasta.
Mum tries to joke,
"It's already dead."

Ha ha ha.
So funny, Mum.
I continue to stab my pasta.

Now
I have to talk to him
On Messenger.

Pretty up -
We might use webcams.
I hope.

I hope he comes
Online.
Have to talk to him.

Love from, Me.
xx