All I Want Is Red. Red, Red, Red.

My best friend
Fucking lied to me.
To help me, apparently.

So I wouldn't worry.
I don't care.
She still lied.

It makes me angry.
But I can't
Stay angry at her.

I sympathise.
Empathise, actually.
Cause I know it all too well.

I still hate it all.
Smuggle scissors into the bathroom
After my shower, attempts.

Doesn't work.
Only leave red marks.
Next to no fucking blood.

It makes me angrier.
I want to see
The red go down my arm.

Plan for next time:
I'll steal a knife.
From the kitchen.

Those ones are sharp.
Mum said so.
She said don't use them.

Fuck that.
They might actually do their job.
Cut.

Their fucking blades
Might work on my skin.
To split it.

Then I'll see the red
I want to see.
It would make me feel better.

I'm sick, I know.
I'm fucking messed up.
Well tell me something I don't know.

But I want it
So badly.
So, so badly.

To hurt
Injure
Fucking wreck myself.

But I can't.
Mum would notice.
My best friend would notice.

Back to the doctor's.
Back to the psychologist's.
I don't want to go there.

So I have
To be careful.
Hide it.

Love from, Me.
xx